The first time I ever witnessed said tears was at his 2 month check-up. Before that day, he could scream until he was red in the face, mouth wide open, eyes welded shut and all you could hear was that airy sound that was replacing his "death scream" as we like to call it. But no tears. A scratch on the nose from his fingernails; no tears. Barley dog sitting on him; no tears. My cell phone dropped on his poor face (the guilt still grabs my gut); no tears.
This particular day, Kelly had to work so I was left to take baby by myself in for this appointment. I made sure he was well fed, changed and ready to flirt. I prepared my heart with a quick prayer in petition for a smooth "Round 1" with no tears from mommy.
Enter our pediatrician and my failed attempt at being invincible #31,989. As the doctor listened to Amaias' heart, he kept letting out little "huh"s and "hmm"s. No actual words. After what I swear had to have been 3 days, maybe 4, he finally looked at me and informed me he was hearing a murmur. A possible Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD). He had me listen. It was such an odd feeling to be listening to my baby's heartbeat while actually looking at his little round face! So incredible to think that this same heart beat was the one that lived in me just weeks prior and here he was, sitting on my lap.
Doc could have been speaking Romanian for all I knew. I tried so hard to stay focused and remember everything he was telling me. But really all I heard was the teachers voice from Charlie Brown and something about it possibly being a small hole which is better than a larger one; possibly surgery or medication to mend it; a visit to the cardiologist to follow up. Next thing I knew, in rolled the nurse and her cart with the vaccinations.
I'm convinced that giving infants shots could be an Olympic sport. Such speed. Such precision. Such force. There; I said it. Wham, bam , thank you ma'am. Get 'er done. She was done in record time but to me time stood still. That smile on little man's face slowly turned down, his eyes welled up and down rolled the biggest, baddest, saddest crocodile tear I had seen.
There in the comfort of the monkey decorated doctors office, I lost it. I held my baby and his broken heart ever so close and I cried. We both cried. As small as it may be, it's still a hole. In the heart. Fear has no place in me. I won't allow it into the comfort of my heart or my home. But at that time, it was knocking; pounding.
Thank God for the internet. The first thing I did when we were home was GOOGLE those three letters, VSD. What I learned, in a nutshell, is that:
1. A ventricular septal defect (VSD) is a defect in the septum between the right and left ventricle (chamber).
2. It's a more common occurrence than I realized.
3. The hole will not grow but the baby will. So the hole will become smaller over time as he outgrows it.
We followed up with a cardiologist and had an ultrasound done on his heart which revealed two holes. Both of them small and both common. He was placed on a medication to keep his heart from dilating but other than that we will keep following up with the cardiologist every few months to keep tabs on it. Most likely he won't be needing his medication after his next appointment.
So, needless to say, as much as I honestly do love these "well baby" check-ups, my stomach still takes a plunge before-hand. But I believe in a much higher power. I believe in a God much bigger than any ailment, sickness or disease. And in knowing this, I look forward with great anticipation for what tomorrows appointment has in store.
Here's to no more tears. Let's get this chunky monkey boy up on that scale already!!! Do I hear 19lbs??
